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New Years Bloody Eve.

December 31, 2010

Paralysing fear? Check. Minor chest pains? Check. Wobbly lip? Check.

It must be New Years Eve. Yes indeed, it’s that time of year where I stop, take stock, and realise I am no closer to achieving anything of worth, that my life is a waste and always will be.

Oh, come on, don’t tell me you don’t do this too, even if just a little bit.

Ok, so, let’s get into it ::: This Year.

This year more than one self-evident truth has held me in a black stare and overwhelmed me with the solid facts of things. I will likely never be able to own a home, not even a small apartment, by myself, without compromising the life I want to lead, one with honesty, integrity and creativity, one where I spend my time working on something I have faith in. I will never inherit money enough that I can relax even a little and be slightly less concerned with financial survival and I will certainly never be able to live in the home of my dreams. As much as my environment impacts my mood, wellbeing and productivity, as much as I’ve had a lifelong dream to find a beautiful building and work until it is even more amazing, the reality is that I will never be able to afford to. It is not beyond my ability, but it is beyond my means.

There are also some big black arrows pointing at my continued solitary singleness. On the upside, I started this year determined to put some real effort into this part of my life. And so I did. I joined internet dating and told friends to go forth and set me up on blind dates. Oh, the stories I haven’t told you. I’ve dated lots (well, lots for me), good dates and bad dates and indifferent. No great ones though, no spark, no excitement, no love. And as I sought love, my desire for it grew and I felt the absence more keenly – it stung more when I read shining stories, or (worse) was told tales of epic meant-to-be romances by friends – when I saw those whose love was fresh and magical, and those who were sure and comfortable, secure and supported.

Yes, this year I have felt horrid envy, comparing myself with friends or strangers (the downside of this blogging life that I otherwise love so much), seeing those who have the means to live their lives unbound by real financial concerns, those who are relatively free, and those who have love. These are (mostly) wonderful, deserving, generous people, don’t get me wrong. I just envy them their autonomy and security in this way. And envy, inevitably, tumbles down the hill, gathering guilt and insecurity, gaining speed and growing larger and larger until here it is, pinning me to the ground on New Years Bloody Eve.

Look, New Years Eve puts me in a mood, don’t say I didn’t warn you at the top of this gloomy rant.

But, friends, comrades, this year hasn’t entirely sucked, right? I suppose there are good things too. Let’s wrench ourselves from darker truths and see.

::: I wrote stories, and had one published.

::: I visited some pretty freaking awesome places, like England, Edinburgh and New York.

::: I turned 30, and coped ok, made birthday wishes, and others too.

::: There were many stories and songs enjoyed.

::: I took part in 21:5:800, Pin it forward and the August break.

::: I spied pretty birds.

::: I learned how to knit.

::: I made the best popcorn in the world and considered the magnificent beauty of biscuits.

::: And I continued to make friends through this beautiful blogging business, and get an insight into the lives of people who inspire me by giving every day their best shot, something I try to do, but sometimes, on days when things look bleak, forget.

So, onwards to new good things, more days of remembering to give it my best. Possibilities, change, new year, new me, right?

… Right?

Resolutions tomorrow.

xo

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. December 31, 2010 8:45 pm

    I totally understand where you’re coming from. It can be really disheartening to compare ourselves to other people who have that ‘easy’ ride through life … I have to work hard to keep jealous feelings like that at bay sometimes.

    New Years can be a bit blah all round, because it is a universally defined turning point … and I don’t know about you, but my life doesn’t just work its way comfortably into a 12 month timeframe.

    In saying all that though I just have this feeling that 2011 will be an amazing year for everyone … a year in which to build on the ‘goods’ that this year has offered.

    Take care.

    • Francesca permalink*
      January 3, 2011 7:09 pm

      Thanks Tracey. Here’s hoping! xo

  2. December 31, 2010 11:21 pm

    Yay New York! 🙂

    I HATE new year’s eve (hate the pressure to Have A Good Time) but love the idea of a new year. I will be staying in this evening, lighting a candle and writing.. and then tomorrow.. well, it’s just another day 🙂

    sending love! x

    • Francesca permalink*
      January 3, 2011 7:10 pm

      Such a good way to look at things. Cheers Susannah! xxox

  3. January 3, 2011 9:38 am

    That’s it me girl. Look on the bright side of life. The rest will fall into place. Promise.

    • Francesca permalink*
      January 3, 2011 7:11 pm

      Ok. I’m trying to keep the faith. Thanks Kate 🙂

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